Archive for August, 2008

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As the meeting went on…past the scheduled ending time, I felt my stomach clutch into a knot. Knowing my man was waiting for me and yet wanting to stay until the end of the meeting, I found myself feeling tense and uncomfortable.

I knew he would be upset and I find myself bending over backwards to keep that from happening. I felt pressure in my throat. Wait a minute here. Haven’t I felt like this before? Only a thousand times. Wait another minute, how old am I? Thirteen?

I can’t remember the first time I felt the fear that somehow I was “in trouble”, that something bad was going to happen and I couldn’t stop it. But this was that same feeling. And I am 57 years old, for pete’s sake.

OK, regroup. My wonderful man loves me. He may be inconvenienced and he might even really be annoyed, but the truth is, I don’t “know for sure” that he is upset with me. Actually, it is my own thoughts that are upsetting me.

I took a couple of deep breaths and purposely picked some different thoughts. I interrupted the hamster wheel fearful thinking with:

“He is an adult and he can figure out what to do with himself while he is waiting for me.”

“I want to stay at the meeting. I am having fun and even though it is running a little long, I am having a spectacular time and that is great.”

“I am not responsible for his feelings.”

“Everything is going to be ok.”

“He is not like the boyfriends in my past. He loves me, adores me really, and he will get over his disappointment about my schedule.”

Out of the blue, a solution popped into my head. I grabbed my cell phone and texted him my favorite transitional statement for those awkward times:

“It sure is lucky I’m cute, isn’t it?”

Smiling as I sent it off to him, I felt relieved. I am changing. Sure I have thought habits from back in the day that still show up from time to time but at least I am recognizing them and choosing different ones. I know for sure that when I am calm and confident I am more likely to come up with a bit of humor to bridge the gap and get us back into good rapport.

Sipping our wine at dinner after the meeting finally ended, I enjoyed his warm attention and conversation. Had I not relieved my own anxiety, I would have projected an entirely different mood and he would have felt my fear instead of my love. I am changing and step by step I am learning to leave my past in the past….where it belongs!

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Audio Blog: How To Make Your Man Listen

Why is it that when I need him the most, my man is not able to relate to what I am trying to explain to him?

Why is it that he gets that glazed over look on his face when I say, “Could we talk about something that is bothering me?”

Even though most of the time I do feel connected to him, if he is distracted or stressed or focused on the baseball game and doesn’t look at me and engage with me…my first reaction is to feel hurt. I actually feel a twinge in my chest as I feel resentful that he won’t pay attention to me.

Yikes, writing that makes me feel like an infant, for pete’s sake! If my man doesn’t want to listen to me at the exact moment I want him too, what exactly does that mean? What a good question that is.

I could spin it negatively and say things to myself like “I hate it when he shuts me out.” “I hate that he watches baseball instead of wanting to talk to me.” “He never listens to me.” (this is a dangerous one, do I mean NEVER?) “Maybe he doesn’t love me anymore.” You can see where this slippery slope is going.

STOP right there!! There is another perspective and with just a little bit of creativity, you can spin his inattentiveness entirely in your favor. See how these thoughts feel: “Even though he is unavailable to me in this moment, I know he loves me.” “Even though it seems as if he is shutting me out, this might have nothing to do with me at all.” “Even though he is not listening to me right now, there will be another chance for me to talk about this.” “Even though I am feeling insecure right now, I am willing to see this situation in a different way.

With a little bit of effort, you can spin his moments of guyness in your favor. He is who he is and sometimes he needs time without you. Recognizing this and choosing not to take it personally will empower you and will actually make it more likely that he will engage with you more often and more intimately.

Let me tell you one of my favorite tips. When I sense that my man is distracted and I have some piece of information I can’t wait to tell him, this is what I say: “I have something I want to run by you and I wonder if you mind if I wait until after the game to talk to you.” He always responds positively. He seems to appreciate my noticing that he is occupied and then he always agrees to chat later. The best part? Choosing to let him have his time knowing I will have my time later makes me feel valued and important to him.

Remember, you have a bit of an edge as a woman. Your strong intuitive sense helps you create a positive spin and with practice you will be amazed at how your man will learn to not only listen to you but to seek you out when he wants to talk, or at least if he wants you to see an exciting instant replay from the game!

Looking for more ideas on how to enhance your relationship? Would you like to feel more loved and cherished? Maybe your Love Set Point is set too low. Take control of your love life. Click here for a complimentary Strategy session.

How many times do we hear it?

“Sure, after I trained him to be the perfect boyfriend, he breaks up with me and goes to be perfect for someone else.”

Has this happened to you?

We can learn a lot from our short term relationships. We bump and bruise each other like bumper cars in an old time amusement park. We fight, argue, push our weight around or we withdraw, pout and manipulate.

Isn’t that a charming list of behaviors! If we think that our man of the moment is the One, these ups and downs can be devastating. If he IS the One, fear of losing him can take your power away from you and you will start compromising on some things you know are not right for you. No wonder we are in a mess when it comes to sorting out our feelings and getting really clear….I mean REALLY CLEAR on what we want in a partner.

When your man disappoints you, it is painful, I know because I went through a disappointing event with my man just a few hours ago. The first thing I did, which was different for me, was to say “Could we not decide right now? Could we table this and at least talk about it later?” He agreed and I left the room.

I felt hurt and sad and everything in me, well that is not so true anymore, but a rather large part of me wanted to blame him for making me feel so bad. After all, his words made my heart start to hurt….or did they?

I am learning that the emotional pain I feel when my man disappoints me was there all the time. He doesn’t climb inside of my body and pinch me in the place where I feel my heart ache. I am learning that the spot within me that aches when he acts in certain ways is simply a place where my body has agreed to carry the emotional pain from past events.

What you say? The past is in the past and that is that. I don’t let any of that drama bother me anymore.

I hear you! I know you have moved on and have turned your back on a lot of the hurtful relationships you have had in the past and I say….you go girl!! But, and this is a big one, how sure are you that you are not missing some emotional energy still stuck to the ghosts in your past?

That is why, and ladies….write this down….you can learn to actually be grateful for the hurt feelings that your man brings up in you. Look, you have to admit, half the time he upsets you he simply says something stupid that he doesn’t really mean at all, right?

Learn to look at yourself differently and you will respond to him differently….guaranteed.

After I got my own self back in balance, I went outside and meditated and rested for an hour (VERY unusual behavior for me, as I am about a 15 minute meditater) and re-entered life. I still felt a little hurt but I had convinced myself that if his opinion was right that it would all work out ok. I decided on a course of action that felt neutral and I felt calm about it.

We had a brief and peaceful follow up chat and things are smoothing out.

I know that I am changing as I allow myself to recognize when I am upset and simply handle it differently than I usually do. Breaking habitual relationship behavior is an excellent way to plow the ground and get ready to plant new skills, new fun and new lovin’!

The road to self love and self compassion is the only one that counts!

I have a beautiful wind chime hanging outside my studio. We have a breeze every afternoon and the sound is heavenly. This particular chime contains the notes of Beethoven’s Ode to Joy and every now and then you can hear that melody within the cluster of notes.

. It is tuned to the notes of Beethoven's Ode To Joy and every now and then you can hear that melody within the cluster of notes.

This morning, instead of hearing the usual harmony, I heard something like this. Ding. Ding. Ding. Clank. I know this gets lost in translation but bear with me. I haven’t gone out to inspect it yet, but I have a feeling one of the pipes is wrapped around one of it’s sisters strings.

Even though most of the pipes are hanging and ringing properly, it is amazing how that single ‘clank’ makes my hair stand up on end. The harmony of the whole completely altered by one piece out of tune.

I know just how that wind chime feels. My life can be going really well in many areas. Smooth sailing, soul satisfying events and contentedness are definitely a part of my daily life. But, then there are those annoying out of tune parts. No matter how hard I try to hide them from the breezes of life, they insist of clanging away creating disharmony. Plus, if the truth were told, most of my out of sorts moments come because I am tangled up in someone else’s drama.

Let me give you an example. At the moment, my health is great, my career is developing nicely, my romantic life is rich and entertaining, my weight is good, my finances are balancing after a challenging time and all of that feels really good. But still I struggle with worry about my adult kids, bless them.

If I allow my mind to dwell on their circumstances, I am pulled surely and tangibly out of balance. I tell myself, out loud so I can hear it, “That is their drama and they can handle it.”

Learning to choose what I am going to spend my time thinking about has been life altering, to say nothing of the lovelier melody I am when I am completely in tune.

How do you know you have a clanking chime? Just like the fingernails down the chalkboard kind of feeling you get hearing a flat note, your body will give you clues about being out of tune. Some feel a general all over edgy feeling, some get pain in their shoulder or lower back, some get digestion upset and others just feel heavy and sluggish.

Once you recognize that you are just out of tune, you can do something about that right away. Go outside and take a couple of deep breaths, take a brisk walk and shake it off….literally. This will automatically energize you. You will add dimension if you talk to a like minded friend, someone who will focus the conversation on positive aspects of your situation.

What does any of this have to do with making your man perfect? Everything! If your man does not have to take responsibility for your mood, if you can recognize and attend to your own emotional balance, he will feel his own share of relief. Most guys are ill equipped naturally to ‘tune’ us, you know, to say just the right thing to change our perspective.

When you are caring for your own inner harmony, you make yourself that much more irresistible to him. There is nothing more appealing than a calm, confident and joyful woman.

What tune are you playing these days?

Looking for more ideas on how to enhance your relationship? Would you like to feel more loved and cherished? Maybe your Love Set Point is set too low.   Click here for a complimentary Love Set Point Consultation.